TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of position. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Certainly, certain, let's have another area wherever American Gentlemen can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It's that he really should halt working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the venture, replied, "You realize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Good tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where by's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even include things like:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel where my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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